Hostageship - An Article by Tara Cardinal
Relationship or HOSTAGESHIP?
It takes an average of seven times to leave an abusive relationship. If you can't leave, it's not a relationship, it's a Hostageship.
Abusers camouflage themselves as regular people, but they aren’t. Just like terrorist organizations, abusers subscribe to ideologies of power and superiority, devoid of empathy for the damage they wreak. It’s important to understand that abusers are part predator, part parasite, and aren’t seeking what normal people think of as a “relationship” or “partnership”. Abusers aren’t like the rest of us – they require a host to provide services and resources. This dependency is what makes them so dangerous. Shackled by a belief system of entitlement and inadequacy, violence is a predictable result of a parasite desperate to maintain control of their host.
Predators trick their prey into believing they are in a relationship and not a take-over.
“Do you want a drink?” a predator asks, testing the waters. You shake your head no, and that should have been the end of it. “I’m getting one for myself, I might as well get you something too.” Still you demur. “It doesn’t have to be alcohol.” You don’t respond, but politely pretend to consider. “Let me get you some water, you should hydrate anyway.” Finally you cave, thinking it would be rude to refuse. What’s the harm in accepting a glass of water from someone who cares about your health?
To a decent person, it’s a glass of water. As early as the first date an abuser tests your boundaries to see if they can turn a solid no into an actionable yes. If boundaries are breachable they work harder to lure their date – now a target – into relationship.
Just like a terrorist organization taking over a country, abusers don’t drop in, guns blazing, fists flying. They cultivate a fantasy romance, telling the people exactly what they want to hear, so the citizens simply surrender.
No one willingly signs up for a life of servitude and violence. Abusers camouflage their true intentions with hearts and flowers, so the target doesn’t realize they are in for a life of obedience and punishment. Because abusers are looking for servitude, not a partnership, they have to test boundaries in the very beginning. If the new target knows what to expect from an abuser, they can simply slip away, before they become a statistic.
Statistics show that 75% of domestic homicides happen after the partner has left the abuser. It is absolutely critical to exit an abusive relationship before an abuser turns homicidal.
There’s a tipping point, in every abusive relationship, before which you can walk away with minimal effort. If an abuser decides you’re too much trouble to dominate, or the rewards of domination aren’t worth the effort, they will redirect their efforts to a juicier target. But if you’re crossed the tipping point, you’re in deep trouble. There is no “leaving”. Escape is the only option and even then you’ll need heroics, a detailed battle plan, and trained reinforcements like police, legal, and a well-stocked “go bag”. Even then, you may not escape with your life. Prevention is critical.
You can't prevent what you aren't aware of.
HOSTAGESHIP counseling services offers consults and advice on identifying abusive and toxic partners early on. Schedule a session with Tara to see if your partner is exhibiting signs of being an abuser.